What 620 Podcast Episodes Taught This Adoptee About Healing

In this continuation of his conversation with Donna Pope on Voices of Adoption, Simon Benn of the Thriving Adoptees podcast, delivers a message that may surprise adoptive parents eager to help their children heal: doing your own work comes first.

The more clearly you can see your own wholeness, Simon explains, the better you can point others toward theirs. This is not about becoming a perfect parent. It is about recognizing that the capacity for growth is not fixed and that a parent’s inner work directly shapes how they show up for their child. Simon compares this to French ski instructors who, in earlier days, only had to prove they could ski fast. Teaching was not required. But guiding others down a mountain demands more than personal skill. You must stop, look back, and help someone navigate where they are struggling. Parenting an adopted child works the same way. It requires both depth and the ability to guide.

 Research published in Family Relations supports this perspective, showing that adoptive mothers face unique pressures that place them at higher risk for mental health strain, often while deprioritizing their own care under what researchers describe as “extreme parenting.” Simon’s message aligns with the data: parents who attend to their own wellbeing are better equipped to support their children.

 Penny Drops Keep Dropping 

Simon introduces a concept he calls the “penny that keeps dropping.” In British slang, a penny drop refers to a moment of sudden understanding. Simon reframes this as an ongoing process. Insight does not stop at one breakthrough. The penny never reaches the bottom. Healing, he says, unfolds through repeated realizations. Our felt sense of wholeness continues to grow. Capacity is not capped. This mirrors findings from studies on adoptive parenting stress published in a study on adoptive parenting stress in PMC, which show that mindfulness, psychological flexibility, and self compassion are not fixed traits. They are skills that can be developed over time. For those willing to stay curious, the penny keeps dropping.

 Storm and Sky 

Building on his rock paper scissors metaphor from Part 1, Simon offers another way to understand trauma. Imagine a clear blue sky. That sky represents who you are. Then a storm rolls in: loss, grief, fear, pain. The sky disappears from view. But the sky never changes. The storm eventually passes. The question becomes whether we identify with the storm or with the sky behind it. Donna Pope notes that the sky remains constant even when it is covered. Simon agrees. Trauma is a felt experience. Feelings move through us, but they do not alter who we are at our core. This framing allows adoptees to acknowledge pain without being defined by it.

 Trauma Bonding Keeps Us Stuck 

Simon challenges patterns he has observed in some online adoption spaces. He describes how validation, while comforting, can sometimes anchor people to pain rather than support growth. When every struggle is traced back to adoption, the story can become self-reinforcing. He is not dismissing adoption related trauma. He is questioning whether constant reinforcement of pain helps people move forward.  Research from the Wales Adoption Study suggests that children benefit most from caregivers who model growth, not just empathy for suffering. Simon reflects that had he encountered such spaces earlier in his own journey, he might have spiraled further into a fixed sense of being damaged.

 You Can't Put Trauma in a Wheelbarrow 

Simon uses a striking metaphor to describe beliefs. If you cannot put something in a wheelbarrow, he says, it is not a thing. A belief is a thought that has solidified over time. Trauma is similar. It is real and embodied, but it is made of feelings, not objects. This does not minimize the weight of trauma. It reframes our relationship to it. Trauma moves through us like weather. It does not have to become an identity.

 The Work That Works for You 

Simon shares tools that have helped him, including Byron Katie’s four question inquiry known as “The Work.” A pilot clinical study published in the journal Explore found measurable improvements in wellbeing among participants, with benefits lasting months beyond the intervention. For preverbal trauma, Simon points to body based approaches such as somatic experiencing and EMDR. He emphasizes that no single method fits everyone. Some people learn through conversation, others through movement or reflection. What matters is finding the right approach at the right time and staying with the process.

 Diamonds Under the Layers 

Simon closes with the meaning behind the diamond logo of Thriving Adoptees. Some adoptees, he says, come to see themselves as containers for pain. The diamond challenges that belief. Diamonds are revealed through excavation. Layers take time to move through. Donna adds her own experience working with birth mothers. She has witnessed women who saw their children as precious beyond measure. They believed their children were diamonds. Simon expands this further. Every adoptee is a diamond. Every birth parent is a diamond. Every adoptive parent is a diamond. The work is learning to see it.

Looking for support on your adoption journey? Visit VoicesofAdoption.org for support, resources, and community from every corner of the adoption constellation. Subscribe to the Voices of Adoption show for real stories and resources that help families across the adoption constellation find support and for expert insights on adoption wellness.

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